Heart Attack

Feelings of blue come rushing in

Your tide is pulling me out again

All i want to do is just fade away

Find different colors than blue and gray.

How many times can I get hurt?

Each time it gets a little worst.

It’s always bright right at the start

But now I’m sitting here in the dark.

You walked out on me

And i sat patiently

You said it would all workout

Feelings of hope, have turned to doubt

So I’ll, cry, tears each night

And I’ll, buy, one more flight

And maybe

I won’t come back.

Anything’s better

Than a heart attack.

What I would give to see your eyes

Wanting to call but my tongue is tied

Can’t see another pic of you with him

how much longer can i hold this in?

Keep waking up cold and alone

Days keeping coming and then they go

Telling everyone I’m doing fine

Truth is i can’t get you off my mind

You walked out on me

And i sat patiently

You said it would all workout

Feelings of hope, have turned to doubt.

So I’ll, cry, tears each night

And I’ll, buy, one more flight

And maybe

I won’t come back.

Anything’s better

Than a heart attack.

Can’t keep on carrying this weight.

Just wanna smile that isn’t fake.

I, cried, tears last night

And i, bought, one last flight

And maybe

I won’t come back.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

again.

She left today.

But she said it wasn’t my fault.

The classic line that quickly slips from the lips of one,

And falls like dagger into the heart of another.

You could hear a pin drop in the driver’s seat,

As the sirens go off inside my mind.

It’s all too familiar.

Quick to trust.

Quick to love.

Only to have the bubble of my blonde haired future popped by the sharp reality that love only exists in the movies.

For what feels like the 100th time now I thought I found the one.

Vanilla lace fills my nose.

Her lips stole the breath from my chest.

And her smile was so bright that,

If we let it,

It could brighten the darkest of days in this world.

A 5’ 4” angel who hates olives and lasagna,

Came into my life and reminded me what it feels like to be happy.

And ask quickly as she came,

She left.

Haunted by the demons that pock mark her past,

It all was too much for her to handle.

And now i wait.

Praying she returns.

Hoping that one day we’ll be hand in hand again

While the cutest laugh I’ve heard echoes through my ears.

i thought it’d get easier

I thought it’d get easier.

Late nights in the water.

Laughs shared between us and the stars.

Like ice - slowly melting away

I fade from your mind.

I thought it’d get easier.

Nostalgic visions of our hands clasped on the beach flood my senses.

It’s euphoric.

I can feel my heart begin to beat faster and faster.

Sweaty palms. Cold fingers.

Your breath on my neck is almost as real now as it was then -

But it’s not.

I’ve become an all too frequent victim of a vivid imagination.

I thought it’d get easier.

Perhaps I’m just naive.

Or maybe you really are just that “busy” -

And the man in my mind that’s whisking you away in his arms is just that -

In my mind.

It doesn’t get easier.

Because each time I catch feelings,

I’m more prone to catch them again.

And again.

And again.

Like a wave - I’m pulled from the shore and washed out in the excitement.

Floating.

Swimming.

The ocean seems to go on forever.

Yet, the smiles vanish as reality quickly comes back into view -

our wave of romance spits me up and leaves me back on the shore where i started.

It will never get easier.

Yet nothing worth having will ever come easy.

My only fear is that I don’t know how many more waves i can ride,

Until my heart finally breaks for good.

He Is Waiting

Hot tears sting dry cheeks as I sit alone in my driver’s seat.

The cool, dark night is quiet.

Anger. Sorrow. Guilt. Pain.

It all weighs down on my shoulders.

Stacked so carefully. So fragile.

The slightest shift in my burdens could bring everything crashing down.

Leaving me at the bottom of the pile.

My mind is racing as I ask myself the same questions over and over and over.

Like a broken record.

Why is this happening? What did I do? Why is this happening? What did I do?

Every natural instinct inside of me is telling me to find the quick fix.

I mean, that’s what I should do, right?

Find something to numb the pain for now.

And when it comes back just carry out the process again.

Like washing your hands.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

And it doesn’t matter who you hurt as long as you’re okay.

At least that’s what I’ve heard they all say.

An hour has passed and I still haven’t moved.

Maybe if I sit here in the same spot and hold my breath somehow time will stand still.

But it doesn’t.

I feel empty.

I know there is a God.

And a Savior too.

But where are They now?

Why have They left me when I needed them most?

I’m scared.

Why me?

What did I do to deserve this?

I keep asking question after question

Then I stop for a moment.

Who am I asking?

I want all these answers and all this help yet up until now I haven’t said much of anything to my Father above.

The cogs and gears slowly turn in my head

And I try to remember the last time I prayed before going to bed?

Or prayed at all for that matter.

When’s the last time I thanked him for my life?

For my family?

Or simply for the day?

I’d been so caught up in the world.

So focused on me.

I ignored all that I’d learned each and every Sunday.

And to make matters worst

I’d shrugged off my scriptures too.

Left them under me bed to collect dust.

Right next to the box of old clothes and that binder full of football cards.

Another hour has passed but I feel I’ve found something worth my weight in gold!

The cure to all my feelings of anger and pain.

And for the first time in a long time

I bow my head.

Say hello to my Father.

And tell him I’m ready to change.

What I felt next was so perfect.

So pure.

My Savior’s arms were wrapped around me and I knew He was always there.

It was me who had strayed and fell away from His grasp.

But He had always stayed and waited for me to come back.

His scarred hands were outstretched this whole time!

But I was too blinded and too proud to see that they were so close to mine.

Now the road to change our lives isn’t an easy one.

But through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, anything can be done.

No matter what we do, Christ is there for us all.

Calm and patient He waits to catch us when we fall.

-Elder Armstrong

board shorts and flip flops

i've been waiting for fall to come for forever now
because i've been stuck in a never ending summer.
in my mind time hasn't changed - it's held still and frozen in memories.
memories of board shorts and flip flops.
snow cones and hikes in the mountains.
early morning bike rides and late night walks in the park.
waking up to the sunrise and falling asleep under the stars.
movie marathons and days at lagoon.
drives up the canyon and tender kisses in the rain.
photo shoots at the lake and 3 am phone calls to just say "i love you."
holding you in my arms and never wanting to let you go.

but blocking out all these memories, is the last one i ever had with you.
the one where you gave me one last hug and said goodbye.
got in your yellow bug that had that red daisy hanging from the rear view mirror.
you backed out of my driveway and started to drive.
our eyes met for one last second
like 2 daggers straight to my heart.
before i knew it

you were gone.

and time stood still.

-chase armstrong

a mess of broken hearts and love notes

i think i'm in love with love.
but i think i hate love too.
i guess i wouldn't know though because i don't think i've been in love before.
i thought i was once.
but they say if you have to think about it even a little bit then it's not love.
but since i let that one slip through my fingers i haven't found anything that compares.
some have been close.
but they also say close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
who said that anyways?
funny how i'm only 18 with my whole life ahead of me and my biggest fear is not finding love.
i feel like there's an emptiness inside me that can't be filled.
how cliche.
was that cliche?
what exactly is a cliche..?

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i look at the stars and dream of someone to hold.
she's resting her head on my chest and her hair tickles my nose.
it's okay though because in that moment all i can hear is her gentle breathing.
i gently press my lips to her hair and i know that no matter what everything will be ok.
because we have each other.
i look at the sunset and dream of someone to laugh with.
she's holding my hand and turns and smiles at me in a way that gives me butterflies every time.
i just stop to take in the moment and let the memory last forever in a mental snapshot.
i look in the mirror and dream of someone to love.
she'll wrap her hands around me from behind as i'm at the sink looking in the mirror.
the stress will dissipate because in that moment she holds me tight.
and her embrace is all i need to know that everything will be alright.

so am i depressed or am i in love?
these dreams i have are just that-dreams.
nothing more than a mental image of what i want.
but i'm held back by a wall of insecurities and a lack of confidence.
doubts. fears. anxieties.
you only get married once, right?
8 billion people in the world and i'm supposed to find one.
ya those odds are freaking awesome.
i stress because i've got one shot to get it right.
so what if i think i'm in love but i'm not?
what if i am in love but i don't know it?
or what if i've met the one and didn't do anything about it and now she's gone?

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love is breakfast in bed.
love is a four hour phone call.
love is an hour car ride to see them for 10 minutes.
love is nervous clammy hands.
love is butterflies in your stomach.
love is silent moments that aren't awkward.
love is silent moments that ARE awkward.
love is a gentle kiss on the forehead.
love is a walk in the rain.
love is staying in on the weekend to just talk.

love is something that i can't explain.
love is something i haven't found.

but i want it.

-Lloyd Dobler (aka) Chase Armstrong

this ones for the real men

this one is for my hero.
not the guy who throws touchdowns on sunday afternoons.
or the guy who beats up villains in tights.

no.

this is for the man who works 7-5 each day to put food on my table.
for the man who taught me a job worth doing is worth doing right.
for the man who told me a person is only as good as their word.

this one is for the man with the best beard in utah county.
for the man who taught me how to shoot guns and catch fish.
for the man who's always there for me to talk to.

this one is for the man who taught me how to land a right hook.
for the man who taught me how to truly love and respect a woman.
for the man who has come to every football, soccer & basketball game i've ever had.

this one is for my best friend.
for the man who taught me that real men cry.
for the man who sacrifices everything just to make us happy.

this one is for the man who got married at 19 to make sure i'd grow up with a father.

this one is for the man who i call Dad.

I love you man.

I hope I've made you proud.

-Lloyd.

an overdue thank you note

Dear Mr. Nelson,

it's funny how much influence one person can have on you.
the masked man known as "Harold Miner" has impacted my life more than I think he'll ever know.

yes, I'm talking about you Kyle.
(by the way i don't think i ever asked, but is it cool if i call you that?)

but really.
your class gave me the opportunity to show my true colors.
the opportunity to come out of hiding, if you would.
a heartbroken and nervous 'has been' of a guy put his pen to the paper and fell in love with words and writing.

i finally had a way to express all of my pent up feelings.
Lloyd Dobler became my everything.
i clung to every one of my blog's comments like my life depended on them.

the approval of others is all i've ever wanted, and i'd finally gotten it.

but the best was from you, Nelson.
the master mind of this organization.
just simple phrases like "powerful" or "#stolen" meant the world to me.

i miss it man, i really do.
i feel like these posts are useless if you never see them.
is it weird that i'm upset that you never use my stuff as an example for your class?
i mean i did get top fived like three times so i thought i was doing what you wanted...

maybe one day i'll be up there with the greats.
dick tidrow.
esther greenword.
charlotte charles.
maybe...

i just want you to tell me that i made it.
tell me that i can come back and visit paris whenever i'd like.
tell me that i wasn't a tourist.

i sound pitiful don't i?
poor picked upon lloyd.

i think i'm just scared. scared and upset.

scared of moving on with life.
college.
bills.
marriage.
its all so stressful.

and im upset with myself.
high school is almost over and i wish i would've done more.
wish i would've had more fun.
wish i would've dated more girls.
wish i would've choked down my fear instead of letting it suffocate me for the last 3 years.

i'm rambling now.
but really all i want to say is thank you.
thanks for the class.
for taking the time to read what i wrote.
the comments.
the youtube clips.
the outbursts in class about how everyone hated your class and how you were a horrible teacher (honestly...i think you knew we all loved it. you just wanted the reassurance of it though right?)

i think you and me are kind of alike...just wanting to fit in.
acting as if nothing matters on the outside.
but on the inside we're just peaking through our fingers in fear of all the people and their opinions.

but i digress.
just know you helped me get through some tough stuff man.
you made me excited to get up and go to school.
you have SO MUCH influence on us, your students, and i dunno if you know that.
but we all look up to you man.
or at least i did.

so again, thanks for everything.
i'll see you in paris.

Sincerely,

Lloyd Dobler

coming out of retirement

my best friend told me that i worry too much about what other people say.

so did my parents.

and my therapist.

i have this almost dying wish of just wanting to be accepted and to fit in.

my confidence has been dwindling slowly but surely throughout the years.

the once cool and charismatic guy that i used to be no longer exists.

and on top of that society tells me i'm a failure if i don't these 2 things:

1) go on a mission

2) go to BYU

well i hate to break it to you people but i'm probably not going to do either of those things.

(sorry mom)

so many things are running through my head and i tried using a journal to write them all down.

but it's just not the same.

and i started to go a little crazy

so i tried making a new blog and that wasn't the same either. 

in fact i think you took it off the list nelson...i'll thank you later.

so i've come back to paris.

because lloyd fits in.

what lloyd says matters.

people care about lloyd's thoughts and opinions.

Jern said it perfectly,

i'm going through withdrawals.

-Lloyd.

breathe.

For the longest time, I shut my mind off from my feelings.
I built a dam under my tear ducts,
roped off my heart,
and closed the doors to the public.

But then I came to Paris.

And I didn't go because I had dreams of becoming a writer.
No.
I came because Raoul  told me to.
because it was supposed to be safe.
because it was supposed to be easy.

But he couldn't have been more wrong.

Because the first day I set foot in the class I came face to face with the phantom.
And he gave me an opportunity to start over.
To show everyone who I really am.
like a social baptism offering me a way to wash the dirt off my reputation.
A way to erase the names of "TOOL" & "PLAYER"
that are tattooed in bold lettering across my chest.

So i've hid behind a computer screen & a keyboard using the name "Lloyd Dobler" as a mask.
and i've told y'all how I really feel & who I really am.

A guy who trusts too much & forgives to easily.
A guy who believes in love at first sight, happily ever afters, & bigfoot.
And i've finally found myself.
I'm finally happy.

every blog post & every poem is like a personal therapy session.
I'm a self made therapist Nelson.
And I didn't need to go get no degree.
NO.

All I needed was Paris.
Paris, a pen, and a notebook.
and with these tools I've been able to scratch out the memories that have been choking out my mind for as long as I can remember.

Because I feel that now the stress is gone and the stars have aligned.
the locks around my soul have broken.
and the real man inside me can feel the crisp wind on his cheeks
and feel the warmth of love in his heart.
and he can inhale the pictures of his past like a breath of fresh air.
knowing that only God can judge him.
and that he's here for a reason.
i'm here for a reason.

and the words that have been caught in my throat will spill out with the truth.
And i'll be able to breathe.

I'll be able to breathe.

I'll be able to breathe.

and there will still be days where I will fall with the snow and retreat into the receding tide.
But with every new day I'll rise with the morning sun
and let the songs of the birds carry me above the smog and through the clouds.

And I'll make it.
I don't know where I'm going, but I'll make it.

And when I get there I'll send paris a postcard that says "Wish you were here!"

signed,
Lloyd & the Phantom

-Lloyd.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

This one is to the good times.

And to the bad times.

To the fun we’ve had together.

And to the arguments we’ve had with each other.

I remember when we stayed up til’ 3am watching Say Yes to the Dress just because I wanted to stay up and talk to you.

I remember when you made me kill that mouse with Lysol and rocks when I was 4 and then you held me after and we cried together.

I remember getting a note in my lunch every day and feeling like my mom loved me more than any other moms loved their kids.

I remember getting checked out to go to Applebee’s with you just because you wanted to be with me.

I remember seeing you after every football game and without fail you’d take a thousand pictures of me and I’d say I was so annoyed…but to be honest I’m glad you took them.

I remember all the times you’ve read and edited my essays and poems and I’m telling you, we’re gonna’ be rich one day doing that together.

I remember all those nights falling asleep as you sang you are my sunshine to me and having the sweetest dreams.

I remember all those long days of shopping and thinking my legs would literally fall off because we’d been walking for so long.

You’ve been one of my best friends and greatest listeners.

And I’m sorry for all the fighting.

And all the yelling.

I really am.

But I just want you to know that I love you.

And I don’t know where I’d be or what I’d do without you.

Love,

Your Son

not the answer

-Lloyd

a letter to my old best friend

dear jerk,

we used to have some great times together man. we'd hangout everyday and most the time do nothing. but it was fun because we were just chillin' with each other. remember all the times we went out and picked up chicks together? man we made a good tag team. and then sometimes we would just talk. and tell each other everything. and i knew i could trust you cuz you were like a brother to me. 

what changed? i mean i thought i could trust you. never in a million years did i think you'd do something like this to me. but you did. you went ahead and stabbed me in the back you son of a bitch. you sold me out and told all my secrets that you promised you wouldn't. why? is it cuz you were worried i'd tell yours? so you had to beat me to it? 

i don't know what to say man. i mean like i said, i never thought you would do this to me. but what i do know is, i hate you. and i wish i could hit you in the back of the head with a hockey puck. (see gif below).

sincerely,

Lloyd.

you decide

how to be a failure

--------------------------------------

quit when things start getting too hard.

take so many things for granted.

do stupid stuff just to piss people off.

put off goals just to be lazy

break promises.

say things you don't mean.

spit in the faces of those you love.

run off all your friends.

then learn from your mistakes.

and restart everything you quit.

and realize how much you're blessed with.

and try to make others happy.

and achieve the goals you set.

and keep the promises you make.

and watch what you say.

and give your heart to those you love.

and  work to regain your true friends.

--------------------------------------

now tell me.

is this how to be a failure?

or.

is this how to be a success?

you decide.

-Lloyd.

i'd like to drink to world peace

so i see a cute girl at school

and we make eye contact

then she smiles at me

so i go talk to her

and say something totally stupid

then i'm like

and that's why most of my weekends look like this.

-Lloyd.

faith.

"challenges help restore power back to the people who rely on God"

-Lloyd

frost

we'll lay in the snow

and watch it fall to the ground.

we'll catch the flakes on our tongues

and let it tickle our noses.

we'll smile like nothing is wrong

and fall asleep in the silence.

we'll let the cold freeze our hearts

and let them melt away in the morning sun.

-Lloyd

um...

if my life was a facebook relationship status it would be the one that says "it's complicated".

-Lloyd

make a wish

 

i wish i could pull my heart out of my chest and show you what you've done to it.

 

i wish i could tell you how i feel.

 

i wish you would forgive me.

 

i wish you would come back.

 

i wish you could know all the hours i spend thinking about you.

 

i wish i could see you one more time.

 

i wish you'd call me and say that you need me.

 

i wish i could hold you and keep you safe.

 

i wish i could take those last two words you said out of my mind.

 

i wish i would've tried harder to keep you from leaving.

 

i wish i could look into your eyes one more time.

 

i wish i could feel your lips against mine for just one more second.

 

i wish i could tell you i love you one more time.

 

i wish you could see this.

 

i wish i could put a gun to my head and make this all go away.

 

i wish i could get you off my mind.

 

but i can't.

 

 

-Lloyd.

tears

I feel like my heart and my mind should have exploded by now.

the thoughts.

the emotions.

they just keep coming and building and I don't know what to do with them.

when I was young I used to cry and let all these feelings go.

but as I've grown older I've been told that this isn't acceptable behavior for guys.

so I trained myself to put my thoughts in a bottle, seal it with a cork, and throw it in the ocean.

but in quiet moments.

when I'm alone.

I shed a tear or two.

they burn as they roll down my cheeks.

and sting my lips with their saltiness.

-Lloyd.