coming out of retirement

my best friend told me that i worry too much about what other people say.

so did my parents.

and my therapist.

i have this almost dying wish of just wanting to be accepted and to fit in.

my confidence has been dwindling slowly but surely throughout the years.

the once cool and charismatic guy that i used to be no longer exists.

and on top of that society tells me i'm a failure if i don't these 2 things:

1) go on a mission

2) go to BYU

well i hate to break it to you people but i'm probably not going to do either of those things.

(sorry mom)

so many things are running through my head and i tried using a journal to write them all down.

but it's just not the same.

and i started to go a little crazy

so i tried making a new blog and that wasn't the same either. 

in fact i think you took it off the list nelson...i'll thank you later.

so i've come back to paris.

because lloyd fits in.

what lloyd says matters.

people care about lloyd's thoughts and opinions.

Jern said it perfectly,

i'm going through withdrawals.

-Lloyd.

breathe.

For the longest time, I shut my mind off from my feelings.
I built a dam under my tear ducts,
roped off my heart,
and closed the doors to the public.

But then I came to Paris.

And I didn't go because I had dreams of becoming a writer.
No.
I came because Raoul  told me to.
because it was supposed to be safe.
because it was supposed to be easy.

But he couldn't have been more wrong.

Because the first day I set foot in the class I came face to face with the phantom.
And he gave me an opportunity to start over.
To show everyone who I really am.
like a social baptism offering me a way to wash the dirt off my reputation.
A way to erase the names of "TOOL" & "PLAYER"
that are tattooed in bold lettering across my chest.

So i've hid behind a computer screen & a keyboard using the name "Lloyd Dobler" as a mask.
and i've told y'all how I really feel & who I really am.

A guy who trusts too much & forgives to easily.
A guy who believes in love at first sight, happily ever afters, & bigfoot.
And i've finally found myself.
I'm finally happy.

every blog post & every poem is like a personal therapy session.
I'm a self made therapist Nelson.
And I didn't need to go get no degree.
NO.

All I needed was Paris.
Paris, a pen, and a notebook.
and with these tools I've been able to scratch out the memories that have been choking out my mind for as long as I can remember.

Because I feel that now the stress is gone and the stars have aligned.
the locks around my soul have broken.
and the real man inside me can feel the crisp wind on his cheeks
and feel the warmth of love in his heart.
and he can inhale the pictures of his past like a breath of fresh air.
knowing that only God can judge him.
and that he's here for a reason.
i'm here for a reason.

and the words that have been caught in my throat will spill out with the truth.
And i'll be able to breathe.

I'll be able to breathe.

I'll be able to breathe.

and there will still be days where I will fall with the snow and retreat into the receding tide.
But with every new day I'll rise with the morning sun
and let the songs of the birds carry me above the smog and through the clouds.

And I'll make it.
I don't know where I'm going, but I'll make it.

And when I get there I'll send paris a postcard that says "Wish you were here!"

signed,
Lloyd & the Phantom

-Lloyd.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

This one is to the good times.

And to the bad times.

To the fun we’ve had together.

And to the arguments we’ve had with each other.

I remember when we stayed up til’ 3am watching Say Yes to the Dress just because I wanted to stay up and talk to you.

I remember when you made me kill that mouse with Lysol and rocks when I was 4 and then you held me after and we cried together.

I remember getting a note in my lunch every day and feeling like my mom loved me more than any other moms loved their kids.

I remember getting checked out to go to Applebee’s with you just because you wanted to be with me.

I remember seeing you after every football game and without fail you’d take a thousand pictures of me and I’d say I was so annoyed…but to be honest I’m glad you took them.

I remember all the times you’ve read and edited my essays and poems and I’m telling you, we’re gonna’ be rich one day doing that together.

I remember all those nights falling asleep as you sang you are my sunshine to me and having the sweetest dreams.

I remember all those long days of shopping and thinking my legs would literally fall off because we’d been walking for so long.

You’ve been one of my best friends and greatest listeners.

And I’m sorry for all the fighting.

And all the yelling.

I really am.

But I just want you to know that I love you.

And I don’t know where I’d be or what I’d do without you.

Love,

Your Son

not the answer

-Lloyd

a letter to my old best friend

dear jerk,

we used to have some great times together man. we'd hangout everyday and most the time do nothing. but it was fun because we were just chillin' with each other. remember all the times we went out and picked up chicks together? man we made a good tag team. and then sometimes we would just talk. and tell each other everything. and i knew i could trust you cuz you were like a brother to me. 

what changed? i mean i thought i could trust you. never in a million years did i think you'd do something like this to me. but you did. you went ahead and stabbed me in the back you son of a bitch. you sold me out and told all my secrets that you promised you wouldn't. why? is it cuz you were worried i'd tell yours? so you had to beat me to it? 

i don't know what to say man. i mean like i said, i never thought you would do this to me. but what i do know is, i hate you. and i wish i could hit you in the back of the head with a hockey puck. (see gif below).

sincerely,

Lloyd.

you decide

how to be a failure

--------------------------------------

quit when things start getting too hard.

take so many things for granted.

do stupid stuff just to piss people off.

put off goals just to be lazy

break promises.

say things you don't mean.

spit in the faces of those you love.

run off all your friends.

then learn from your mistakes.

and restart everything you quit.

and realize how much you're blessed with.

and try to make others happy.

and achieve the goals you set.

and keep the promises you make.

and watch what you say.

and give your heart to those you love.

and  work to regain your true friends.

--------------------------------------

now tell me.

is this how to be a failure?

or.

is this how to be a success?

you decide.

-Lloyd.

i'd like to drink to world peace

so i see a cute girl at school

and we make eye contact

then she smiles at me

so i go talk to her

and say something totally stupid

then i'm like

and that's why most of my weekends look like this.

-Lloyd.