Sunday, September 29, 2013

You're not scared of the dark. You're scared of what's in it.


I've been trying to write so eloquently and fancy like in my last posts and I just...I just am not that good at it. I guess I've been scared of people not liking my writing or what I have to say. And so I've decided to conquer that fear and just write with my voice and tell you exactly how I feel.
So love it.
Hate it.
I don't care anymore.

  

Headphones in. Hood up. I sit in the back of the class. 

Quiet. Nervous. I don't say much; if anything at all.

But why? I have so many thoughts. opinions. questions.

Instead my mouth stays shut. glued. and triple locked.


ALLODOXAPHOBIA: The fear of people's thoughts and opinions. That's what I'm afraid of. and I think "afraid" is an understatement; I'm TERRIFIED. What if they're looking at me? What are they thinking? What are they saying? What do they think of me? I just want them to like me. I just want to fit in.


ATELOPHOBIA: The fear of not being good enough or accepted. That's what I'm afraid of. I'll see kids I used to be friends with or want to be friends with and I want to talk to them. Just walk up and say "Hey man! what's up?" and do the cool handshakes they all do. But I can't. I just can't. What if I walk up and try to talk and they all just stare at me? then think to themselves "what is this guy doing?" I don't wanna be THAT guy. So to save myself the trouble and embarrassment, I just keep watching and wishing.


GELOTOPHOBIA: The fear of being embarrassed or laughed at. That's what I'm afraid of. I HATE it when people laugh at me. Like if I say something stupid. Or look funny. My cheeks go red. I start to sweat. And I just wanna run and escape the situation as fast as I can. But sometimes its not that easy. For instance, I was walking through the commons once and I tripped over one of the steps and fell to the floor. right on my face. I popped back up so fast, hoping no one would've noticed. But it was too late. The scene had already been witnessed by what seemed like a million people. the laughing. the pointing.  It burned. Like a thousand little needles pricking my skin all at once. again. and again. and again. 


GLOSSOPHOBIA: The fear of public speaking. That's what I'm afraid of. "What if I sound stupid? Or lock my knees and pass out? Everybody's staring at me. I feel like I'm gonna puke." These thoughts bounce of the walls of my head every time I'm asked to get up and say something. Like I have no idea how I'm gonna do the open mic thing at the end of this class. I mean when I have to do stuff like that my mouth goes numb. my tongue dries out. my body starts to shake. And I don't know what's worse: me actually doing it and looking like an idiot. Or the poor people who have to watch me look like an idiot.


MONOPHOBIA: The fear of being alone. Have you ever sat in on a weekend? But not because you're grounded. But because no one calls you. Or because everyone's busy. I'll tell you right now; it sucks. What if I don't get married? And have no family? What if I'm just alone for the rest of my life?



Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I worry too much. I don't know. But these are the things I fear the most.



-Lloyd.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Bricks






What would've happened if I wouldn't have seen you? 

if I didn't swallow the butterflies?

if I didn't say that cheesy pick up line that you thought was cute?

if we never had a first date?

if we never held hands?

if our lips never touched?

if we never fell in love?


Forget the "what if's" though cuz i  DID see you.

i DID swallow those butterflies.

i DID say that cheesy pick up line.

we DID have a first date.

we DID hold hands.

we DID kiss.

and we DID fall in love.


But one day I came home and you were gone.

and you took my heart with you.

but you left a box labeled "bricks"

and now they're tied to my feet

sinking me deeper and deeper.






-Lloyd.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

in my dreams, this is what i see



The fresh smell of pine and life permeate the air.

Drops of dew cling to blades of grass like a child clings to their mother.

Warm rays of light seep through the trees. Like water slipping through a crack in the wall.

Wildflowers unfold and bloom.

The river folds and flows like a flag in the wind. Not too slow. Not too fast. But just right.

The birds whistle and sing, welcoming the world to a new day.

This is my paradise.

-Lloyd

I'm crying. (on the inside)



I met love once. 

She crept up from behind and knocked me out. with her eyes.
She tortured me. with her smile.
she hurt me. with her lips.
She held my heart. with her voice.
I can't take it! Love.

fingers-tingling. palms-sweating.
I was scared. but i liked it.
dangerous.
beautiful.
Don't stop. Love.

then she was gone.
she left me.
breathless.
speechless.
Don't go. Love.

legs-shaking. lips-quivering.
she took my life.
my mind.
my heart.
You broke me. Love.

come back!
i want you.
i need you!
i love you.
Where are you, Love?

Ya, I met love once.
And i don't know if I'll ever see her again.


Lloyd Dobler.