Heart Attack

Feelings of blue come rushing in

Your tide is pulling me out again

All i want to do is just fade away

Find different colors than blue and gray.

How many times can I get hurt?

Each time it gets a little worst.

It’s always bright right at the start

But now I’m sitting here in the dark.

You walked out on me

And i sat patiently

You said it would all workout

Feelings of hope, have turned to doubt

So I’ll, cry, tears each night

And I’ll, buy, one more flight

And maybe

I won’t come back.

Anything’s better

Than a heart attack.

What I would give to see your eyes

Wanting to call but my tongue is tied

Can’t see another pic of you with him

how much longer can i hold this in?

Keep waking up cold and alone

Days keeping coming and then they go

Telling everyone I’m doing fine

Truth is i can’t get you off my mind

You walked out on me

And i sat patiently

You said it would all workout

Feelings of hope, have turned to doubt.

So I’ll, cry, tears each night

And I’ll, buy, one more flight

And maybe

I won’t come back.

Anything’s better

Than a heart attack.

Can’t keep on carrying this weight.

Just wanna smile that isn’t fake.

I, cried, tears last night

And i, bought, one last flight

And maybe

I won’t come back.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

again.

She left today.

But she said it wasn’t my fault.

The classic line that quickly slips from the lips of one,

And falls like dagger into the heart of another.

You could hear a pin drop in the driver’s seat,

As the sirens go off inside my mind.

It’s all too familiar.

Quick to trust.

Quick to love.

Only to have the bubble of my blonde haired future popped by the sharp reality that love only exists in the movies.

For what feels like the 100th time now I thought I found the one.

Vanilla lace fills my nose.

Her lips stole the breath from my chest.

And her smile was so bright that,

If we let it,

It could brighten the darkest of days in this world.

A 5’ 4” angel who hates olives and lasagna,

Came into my life and reminded me what it feels like to be happy.

And ask quickly as she came,

She left.

Haunted by the demons that pock mark her past,

It all was too much for her to handle.

And now i wait.

Praying she returns.

Hoping that one day we’ll be hand in hand again

While the cutest laugh I’ve heard echoes through my ears.

i thought it’d get easier

I thought it’d get easier.

Late nights in the water.

Laughs shared between us and the stars.

Like ice - slowly melting away

I fade from your mind.

I thought it’d get easier.

Nostalgic visions of our hands clasped on the beach flood my senses.

It’s euphoric.

I can feel my heart begin to beat faster and faster.

Sweaty palms. Cold fingers.

Your breath on my neck is almost as real now as it was then -

But it’s not.

I’ve become an all too frequent victim of a vivid imagination.

I thought it’d get easier.

Perhaps I’m just naive.

Or maybe you really are just that “busy” -

And the man in my mind that’s whisking you away in his arms is just that -

In my mind.

It doesn’t get easier.

Because each time I catch feelings,

I’m more prone to catch them again.

And again.

And again.

Like a wave - I’m pulled from the shore and washed out in the excitement.

Floating.

Swimming.

The ocean seems to go on forever.

Yet, the smiles vanish as reality quickly comes back into view -

our wave of romance spits me up and leaves me back on the shore where i started.

It will never get easier.

Yet nothing worth having will ever come easy.

My only fear is that I don’t know how many more waves i can ride,

Until my heart finally breaks for good.

He Is Waiting

Hot tears sting dry cheeks as I sit alone in my driver’s seat.

The cool, dark night is quiet.

Anger. Sorrow. Guilt. Pain.

It all weighs down on my shoulders.

Stacked so carefully. So fragile.

The slightest shift in my burdens could bring everything crashing down.

Leaving me at the bottom of the pile.

My mind is racing as I ask myself the same questions over and over and over.

Like a broken record.

Why is this happening? What did I do? Why is this happening? What did I do?

Every natural instinct inside of me is telling me to find the quick fix.

I mean, that’s what I should do, right?

Find something to numb the pain for now.

And when it comes back just carry out the process again.

Like washing your hands.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

And it doesn’t matter who you hurt as long as you’re okay.

At least that’s what I’ve heard they all say.

An hour has passed and I still haven’t moved.

Maybe if I sit here in the same spot and hold my breath somehow time will stand still.

But it doesn’t.

I feel empty.

I know there is a God.

And a Savior too.

But where are They now?

Why have They left me when I needed them most?

I’m scared.

Why me?

What did I do to deserve this?

I keep asking question after question

Then I stop for a moment.

Who am I asking?

I want all these answers and all this help yet up until now I haven’t said much of anything to my Father above.

The cogs and gears slowly turn in my head

And I try to remember the last time I prayed before going to bed?

Or prayed at all for that matter.

When’s the last time I thanked him for my life?

For my family?

Or simply for the day?

I’d been so caught up in the world.

So focused on me.

I ignored all that I’d learned each and every Sunday.

And to make matters worst

I’d shrugged off my scriptures too.

Left them under me bed to collect dust.

Right next to the box of old clothes and that binder full of football cards.

Another hour has passed but I feel I’ve found something worth my weight in gold!

The cure to all my feelings of anger and pain.

And for the first time in a long time

I bow my head.

Say hello to my Father.

And tell him I’m ready to change.

What I felt next was so perfect.

So pure.

My Savior’s arms were wrapped around me and I knew He was always there.

It was me who had strayed and fell away from His grasp.

But He had always stayed and waited for me to come back.

His scarred hands were outstretched this whole time!

But I was too blinded and too proud to see that they were so close to mine.

Now the road to change our lives isn’t an easy one.

But through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, anything can be done.

No matter what we do, Christ is there for us all.

Calm and patient He waits to catch us when we fall.

-Elder Armstrong

board shorts and flip flops

i've been waiting for fall to come for forever now
because i've been stuck in a never ending summer.
in my mind time hasn't changed - it's held still and frozen in memories.
memories of board shorts and flip flops.
snow cones and hikes in the mountains.
early morning bike rides and late night walks in the park.
waking up to the sunrise and falling asleep under the stars.
movie marathons and days at lagoon.
drives up the canyon and tender kisses in the rain.
photo shoots at the lake and 3 am phone calls to just say "i love you."
holding you in my arms and never wanting to let you go.

but blocking out all these memories, is the last one i ever had with you.
the one where you gave me one last hug and said goodbye.
got in your yellow bug that had that red daisy hanging from the rear view mirror.
you backed out of my driveway and started to drive.
our eyes met for one last second
like 2 daggers straight to my heart.
before i knew it

you were gone.

and time stood still.

-chase armstrong

a mess of broken hearts and love notes

i think i'm in love with love.
but i think i hate love too.
i guess i wouldn't know though because i don't think i've been in love before.
i thought i was once.
but they say if you have to think about it even a little bit then it's not love.
but since i let that one slip through my fingers i haven't found anything that compares.
some have been close.
but they also say close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
who said that anyways?
funny how i'm only 18 with my whole life ahead of me and my biggest fear is not finding love.
i feel like there's an emptiness inside me that can't be filled.
how cliche.
was that cliche?
what exactly is a cliche..?

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i look at the stars and dream of someone to hold.
she's resting her head on my chest and her hair tickles my nose.
it's okay though because in that moment all i can hear is her gentle breathing.
i gently press my lips to her hair and i know that no matter what everything will be ok.
because we have each other.
i look at the sunset and dream of someone to laugh with.
she's holding my hand and turns and smiles at me in a way that gives me butterflies every time.
i just stop to take in the moment and let the memory last forever in a mental snapshot.
i look in the mirror and dream of someone to love.
she'll wrap her hands around me from behind as i'm at the sink looking in the mirror.
the stress will dissipate because in that moment she holds me tight.
and her embrace is all i need to know that everything will be alright.

so am i depressed or am i in love?
these dreams i have are just that-dreams.
nothing more than a mental image of what i want.
but i'm held back by a wall of insecurities and a lack of confidence.
doubts. fears. anxieties.
you only get married once, right?
8 billion people in the world and i'm supposed to find one.
ya those odds are freaking awesome.
i stress because i've got one shot to get it right.
so what if i think i'm in love but i'm not?
what if i am in love but i don't know it?
or what if i've met the one and didn't do anything about it and now she's gone?

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love is breakfast in bed.
love is a four hour phone call.
love is an hour car ride to see them for 10 minutes.
love is nervous clammy hands.
love is butterflies in your stomach.
love is silent moments that aren't awkward.
love is silent moments that ARE awkward.
love is a gentle kiss on the forehead.
love is a walk in the rain.
love is staying in on the weekend to just talk.

love is something that i can't explain.
love is something i haven't found.

but i want it.

-Lloyd Dobler (aka) Chase Armstrong

this ones for the real men

this one is for my hero.
not the guy who throws touchdowns on sunday afternoons.
or the guy who beats up villains in tights.

no.

this is for the man who works 7-5 each day to put food on my table.
for the man who taught me a job worth doing is worth doing right.
for the man who told me a person is only as good as their word.

this one is for the man with the best beard in utah county.
for the man who taught me how to shoot guns and catch fish.
for the man who's always there for me to talk to.

this one is for the man who taught me how to land a right hook.
for the man who taught me how to truly love and respect a woman.
for the man who has come to every football, soccer & basketball game i've ever had.

this one is for my best friend.
for the man who taught me that real men cry.
for the man who sacrifices everything just to make us happy.

this one is for the man who got married at 19 to make sure i'd grow up with a father.

this one is for the man who i call Dad.

I love you man.

I hope I've made you proud.

-Lloyd.