Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

This one is to the good times.

And to the bad times.

To the fun we’ve had together.

And to the arguments we’ve had with each other.

I remember when we stayed up til’ 3am watching Say Yes to the Dress just because I wanted to stay up and talk to you.

I remember when you made me kill that mouse with Lysol and rocks when I was 4 and then you held me after and we cried together.

I remember getting a note in my lunch every day and feeling like my mom loved me more than any other moms loved their kids.

I remember getting checked out to go to Applebee’s with you just because you wanted to be with me.

I remember seeing you after every football game and without fail you’d take a thousand pictures of me and I’d say I was so annoyed…but to be honest I’m glad you took them.

I remember all the times you’ve read and edited my essays and poems and I’m telling you, we’re gonna’ be rich one day doing that together.

I remember all those nights falling asleep as you sang you are my sunshine to me and having the sweetest dreams.

I remember all those long days of shopping and thinking my legs would literally fall off because we’d been walking for so long.

You’ve been one of my best friends and greatest listeners.

And I’m sorry for all the fighting.

And all the yelling.

I really am.

But I just want you to know that I love you.

And I don’t know where I’d be or what I’d do without you.

Love,

Your Son

not the answer

-Lloyd

a letter to my old best friend

dear jerk,

we used to have some great times together man. we'd hangout everyday and most the time do nothing. but it was fun because we were just chillin' with each other. remember all the times we went out and picked up chicks together? man we made a good tag team. and then sometimes we would just talk. and tell each other everything. and i knew i could trust you cuz you were like a brother to me. 

what changed? i mean i thought i could trust you. never in a million years did i think you'd do something like this to me. but you did. you went ahead and stabbed me in the back you son of a bitch. you sold me out and told all my secrets that you promised you wouldn't. why? is it cuz you were worried i'd tell yours? so you had to beat me to it? 

i don't know what to say man. i mean like i said, i never thought you would do this to me. but what i do know is, i hate you. and i wish i could hit you in the back of the head with a hockey puck. (see gif below).

sincerely,

Lloyd.

you decide

how to be a failure

--------------------------------------

quit when things start getting too hard.

take so many things for granted.

do stupid stuff just to piss people off.

put off goals just to be lazy

break promises.

say things you don't mean.

spit in the faces of those you love.

run off all your friends.

then learn from your mistakes.

and restart everything you quit.

and realize how much you're blessed with.

and try to make others happy.

and achieve the goals you set.

and keep the promises you make.

and watch what you say.

and give your heart to those you love.

and  work to regain your true friends.

--------------------------------------

now tell me.

is this how to be a failure?

or.

is this how to be a success?

you decide.

-Lloyd.

i'd like to drink to world peace

so i see a cute girl at school

and we make eye contact

then she smiles at me

so i go talk to her

and say something totally stupid

then i'm like

and that's why most of my weekends look like this.

-Lloyd.

faith.

"challenges help restore power back to the people who rely on God"

-Lloyd

frost

we'll lay in the snow

and watch it fall to the ground.

we'll catch the flakes on our tongues

and let it tickle our noses.

we'll smile like nothing is wrong

and fall asleep in the silence.

we'll let the cold freeze our hearts

and let them melt away in the morning sun.

-Lloyd

um...

if my life was a facebook relationship status it would be the one that says "it's complicated".

-Lloyd

make a wish

 

i wish i could pull my heart out of my chest and show you what you've done to it.

 

i wish i could tell you how i feel.

 

i wish you would forgive me.

 

i wish you would come back.

 

i wish you could know all the hours i spend thinking about you.

 

i wish i could see you one more time.

 

i wish you'd call me and say that you need me.

 

i wish i could hold you and keep you safe.

 

i wish i could take those last two words you said out of my mind.

 

i wish i would've tried harder to keep you from leaving.

 

i wish i could look into your eyes one more time.

 

i wish i could feel your lips against mine for just one more second.

 

i wish i could tell you i love you one more time.

 

i wish you could see this.

 

i wish i could put a gun to my head and make this all go away.

 

i wish i could get you off my mind.

 

but i can't.

 

 

-Lloyd.

tears

I feel like my heart and my mind should have exploded by now.

the thoughts.

the emotions.

they just keep coming and building and I don't know what to do with them.

when I was young I used to cry and let all these feelings go.

but as I've grown older I've been told that this isn't acceptable behavior for guys.

so I trained myself to put my thoughts in a bottle, seal it with a cork, and throw it in the ocean.

but in quiet moments.

when I'm alone.

I shed a tear or two.

they burn as they roll down my cheeks.

and sting my lips with their saltiness.

-Lloyd.

favorite gifs from my favorite shows

enjoy.

-Lloyd Dobler.

just a few things i did for you

• drove 30 minutes to see you everyday
• listened to every word you said when you wanted to vent
• gave you a shoulder to cry on
• sat through every freaking chick flick you wanted to watch
• let you get mad at me when I did nothing wrong
• and said sorry every single time cuz I hated seeing you mad
• let you cut my hair
• got interrogated by your dad over. and over. and over.
• let you pick the music in the car
• ate sushi TOO many times cuz it's your favorite

I gave you whatever you wanted cuz I loved you.

things you did for me

• broke my heart

-Lloyd.

I flew to the moon

I was 2 years old when he died.
My mom's brother.
He'd come and play with me everyday.
And he'd always bring taco bell.
He was driving with his friends the day it happened.
The car rolled.
And he didn't make it.
Now as a 2 year old I didn't know what happened.
All I knew is that uncle J*** didn't come over anymore.
I lost my best friend.
And obviously I don't remember all the details.
I was 2 years old.
But I remember one thing clear as day.
And I think it's the first memory I have.
He came and visited me in a dream.
He took me by the hand and walked me to the back door.
He opened it and I saw the moon sitting in my back yard.
He sat on it and helped me up.
And we flew that night.
Past the planets.
Past the stars.
And I wish I could have just stayed in that moment forever.
But like all good things, it came to an end.
And the moon landed in my backyard.
He walked me to the door.
Then he hugged me and said goodbye.
He walked back to the moon and waved.
And that was the last time I saw him.
I woke up the next morning and told my mom "I flew with J*** to the moon!"
With a tear in her eye she smiled.
And I knew in that moment.
In that smile.
That everything would be ok.

I flew to the moon man.
I flew to the moon.

-Lloyd.

things (and gifs) that make me happy

dancing like no ones watching
a cold pillow
tv
girls
driving

SLEEPING
eating
hot showers

sweatpants
writing
sunsets
fishing
the smell of the mountains
whole milk

ribs
sunrises
guns
puppies
christmas
my birthday
rain
reese's cups
$$$



-Lloyd.

masks

my bones say "speak up. express yourself. tell your thoughts. share your opinion."
but my skin says "don't. stop. no one wants to hear you. don't embarrass yourself."

Do you get it? no one can see your bones. No one can see your thoughts. only your skin.
only the mask you put on for people to see.
my mask hides what's really there.
and i wish this mask would just-just fall off.
but it's been stuck here since sophomore year.
occasionally though my face comes out of hiding & i speak up. i share my thoughts.
but then i see the others.
and their masks scare me.
so i quickly put mine back on.
so here i sit with a mask that says i'm fine.
that says no worries.
that says life. is. good.
but underneath the mask,
underneath the skin,
lies the bones of a man dying to get out.
dying to taste the world.
but for now he stays sealed up under these fake layers.
waiting.
wishing.
for the moment his skin melts away because he can't take the heat for another second.
the heat of being scared.
the heat of being a phony.
and then
FINALLY then.
the bones of this man will feel the air of the world.
and he will breathe.
and he will speak.
and once he's tasted this freedom
HE WILL NEVER GO BACK.

-lloyd.

Dwight Schrute's Top 10

Dwight Schrute is easily one of my favorite TV characters of ALL TIME. So here are his Top 10 quotes hand picked by me. Enjoy.

1) The eyes are the groin of the head.

2) I never smile if I can help it.... Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

3) In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.

4) In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!

5) I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

6) When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

7) I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.

8) I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

9) Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

10) I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

-Lloyd Dobler.

You're not scared of the dark. You're scared of what's in it.

I've been trying to write so eloquently and fancy like in my last posts and I just...I just am not that good at it. I guess I've been scared of people not liking my writing or what I have to say. And so I've decided to conquer that fear and just write with my voice and tell you exactly how I feel.

So love it.

Hate it.

I don't care anymore.

  

Headphones in. Hood up. I sit in the back of the class. 

Quiet. Nervous. I don't say much; if anything at all.

But why? I have so many thoughts. opinions. questions.

Instead my mouth stays shut. glued. and triple locked.

ALLODOXAPHOBIA: The fear of people's thoughts and opinions. That's what I'm afraid of. and I think "afraid" is an understatement; I'm TERRIFIED. What if they're looking at me? What are they thinking? What are they saying? What do they think of me? I just want them to like me. I just want to fit in.

ATELOPHOBIA: The fear of not being good enough or accepted. That's what I'm afraid of. I'll see kids I used to be friends with or want to be friends with and I want to talk to them. Just walk up and say "Hey man! what's up?" and do the cool handshakes they all do. But I can't. I just can't. What if I walk up and try to talk and they all just stare at me? then think to themselves "what is this guy doing?" I don't wanna be THAT guy. So to save myself the trouble and embarrassment, I just keep watching and wishing.

GELOTOPHOBIA: The fear of being embarrassed or laughed at. That's what I'm afraid of. I HATE it when people laugh at me. Like if I say something stupid. Or look funny. My cheeks go red. I start to sweat. And I just wanna run and escape the situation as fast as I can. But sometimes its not that easy. For instance, I was walking through the commons once and I tripped over one of the steps and fell to the floor. right on my face. I popped back up so fast, hoping no one would've noticed. But it was too late. The scene had already been witnessed by what seemed like a million people. the laughing. the pointing.  It burned. Like a thousand little needles pricking my skin all at once. again. and again. and again. 

GLOSSOPHOBIA: The fear of public speaking. That's what I'm afraid of. "What if I sound stupid? Or lock my knees and pass out? Everybody's staring at me. I feel like I'm gonna puke." These thoughts bounce of the walls of my head every time I'm asked to get up and say something. Like I have no idea how I'm gonna do the open mic thing at the end of this class. I mean when I have to do stuff like that my mouth goes numb. my tongue dries out. my body starts to shake. And I don't know what's worse: me actually doing it and looking like an idiot. Or the poor people who have to watch me look like an idiot.

MONOPHOBIA: The fear of being alone. Have you ever sat in on a weekend? But not because you're grounded. But because no one calls you. Or because everyone's busy. I'll tell you right now; it sucks. What if I don't get married? And have no family? What if I'm just alone for the rest of my life?

Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I worry too much. I don't know. But these are the things I fear the most.

-Lloyd.