Dwight Schrute's Top 10

Dwight Schrute is easily one of my favorite TV characters of ALL TIME. So here are his Top 10 quotes hand picked by me. Enjoy.

1) The eyes are the groin of the head.

2) I never smile if I can help it.... Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

3) In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.

4) In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!

5) I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

6) When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

7) I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.

8) I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

9) Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

10) I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

-Lloyd Dobler.