You're not scared of the dark. You're scared of what's in it.

I've been trying to write so eloquently and fancy like in my last posts and I just...I just am not that good at it. I guess I've been scared of people not liking my writing or what I have to say. And so I've decided to conquer that fear and just write with my voice and tell you exactly how I feel.

So love it.

Hate it.

I don't care anymore.

  

Headphones in. Hood up. I sit in the back of the class. 

Quiet. Nervous. I don't say much; if anything at all.

But why? I have so many thoughts. opinions. questions.

Instead my mouth stays shut. glued. and triple locked.

ALLODOXAPHOBIA: The fear of people's thoughts and opinions. That's what I'm afraid of. and I think "afraid" is an understatement; I'm TERRIFIED. What if they're looking at me? What are they thinking? What are they saying? What do they think of me? I just want them to like me. I just want to fit in.

ATELOPHOBIA: The fear of not being good enough or accepted. That's what I'm afraid of. I'll see kids I used to be friends with or want to be friends with and I want to talk to them. Just walk up and say "Hey man! what's up?" and do the cool handshakes they all do. But I can't. I just can't. What if I walk up and try to talk and they all just stare at me? then think to themselves "what is this guy doing?" I don't wanna be THAT guy. So to save myself the trouble and embarrassment, I just keep watching and wishing.

GELOTOPHOBIA: The fear of being embarrassed or laughed at. That's what I'm afraid of. I HATE it when people laugh at me. Like if I say something stupid. Or look funny. My cheeks go red. I start to sweat. And I just wanna run and escape the situation as fast as I can. But sometimes its not that easy. For instance, I was walking through the commons once and I tripped over one of the steps and fell to the floor. right on my face. I popped back up so fast, hoping no one would've noticed. But it was too late. The scene had already been witnessed by what seemed like a million people. the laughing. the pointing.  It burned. Like a thousand little needles pricking my skin all at once. again. and again. and again. 

GLOSSOPHOBIA: The fear of public speaking. That's what I'm afraid of. "What if I sound stupid? Or lock my knees and pass out? Everybody's staring at me. I feel like I'm gonna puke." These thoughts bounce of the walls of my head every time I'm asked to get up and say something. Like I have no idea how I'm gonna do the open mic thing at the end of this class. I mean when I have to do stuff like that my mouth goes numb. my tongue dries out. my body starts to shake. And I don't know what's worse: me actually doing it and looking like an idiot. Or the poor people who have to watch me look like an idiot.

MONOPHOBIA: The fear of being alone. Have you ever sat in on a weekend? But not because you're grounded. But because no one calls you. Or because everyone's busy. I'll tell you right now; it sucks. What if I don't get married? And have no family? What if I'm just alone for the rest of my life?

Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I worry too much. I don't know. But these are the things I fear the most.

-Lloyd.