board shorts and flip flops

i've been waiting for fall to come for forever now
because i've been stuck in a never ending summer.
in my mind time hasn't changed - it's held still and frozen in memories.
memories of board shorts and flip flops.
snow cones and hikes in the mountains.
early morning bike rides and late night walks in the park.
waking up to the sunrise and falling asleep under the stars.
movie marathons and days at lagoon.
drives up the canyon and tender kisses in the rain.
photo shoots at the lake and 3 am phone calls to just say "i love you."
holding you in my arms and never wanting to let you go.

but blocking out all these memories, is the last one i ever had with you.
the one where you gave me one last hug and said goodbye.
got in your yellow bug that had that red daisy hanging from the rear view mirror.
you backed out of my driveway and started to drive.
our eyes met for one last second
like 2 daggers straight to my heart.
before i knew it

you were gone.

and time stood still.

-chase armstrong

a mess of broken hearts and love notes

i think i'm in love with love.
but i think i hate love too.
i guess i wouldn't know though because i don't think i've been in love before.
i thought i was once.
but they say if you have to think about it even a little bit then it's not love.
but since i let that one slip through my fingers i haven't found anything that compares.
some have been close.
but they also say close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
who said that anyways?
funny how i'm only 18 with my whole life ahead of me and my biggest fear is not finding love.
i feel like there's an emptiness inside me that can't be filled.
how cliche.
was that cliche?
what exactly is a cliche..?

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i look at the stars and dream of someone to hold.
she's resting her head on my chest and her hair tickles my nose.
it's okay though because in that moment all i can hear is her gentle breathing.
i gently press my lips to her hair and i know that no matter what everything will be ok.
because we have each other.
i look at the sunset and dream of someone to laugh with.
she's holding my hand and turns and smiles at me in a way that gives me butterflies every time.
i just stop to take in the moment and let the memory last forever in a mental snapshot.
i look in the mirror and dream of someone to love.
she'll wrap her hands around me from behind as i'm at the sink looking in the mirror.
the stress will dissipate because in that moment she holds me tight.
and her embrace is all i need to know that everything will be alright.

so am i depressed or am i in love?
these dreams i have are just that-dreams.
nothing more than a mental image of what i want.
but i'm held back by a wall of insecurities and a lack of confidence.
doubts. fears. anxieties.
you only get married once, right?
8 billion people in the world and i'm supposed to find one.
ya those odds are freaking awesome.
i stress because i've got one shot to get it right.
so what if i think i'm in love but i'm not?
what if i am in love but i don't know it?
or what if i've met the one and didn't do anything about it and now she's gone?

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love is breakfast in bed.
love is a four hour phone call.
love is an hour car ride to see them for 10 minutes.
love is nervous clammy hands.
love is butterflies in your stomach.
love is silent moments that aren't awkward.
love is silent moments that ARE awkward.
love is a gentle kiss on the forehead.
love is a walk in the rain.
love is staying in on the weekend to just talk.

love is something that i can't explain.
love is something i haven't found.

but i want it.

-Lloyd Dobler (aka) Chase Armstrong

this ones for the real men

this one is for my hero.
not the guy who throws touchdowns on sunday afternoons.
or the guy who beats up villains in tights.

no.

this is for the man who works 7-5 each day to put food on my table.
for the man who taught me a job worth doing is worth doing right.
for the man who told me a person is only as good as their word.

this one is for the man with the best beard in utah county.
for the man who taught me how to shoot guns and catch fish.
for the man who's always there for me to talk to.

this one is for the man who taught me how to land a right hook.
for the man who taught me how to truly love and respect a woman.
for the man who has come to every football, soccer & basketball game i've ever had.

this one is for my best friend.
for the man who taught me that real men cry.
for the man who sacrifices everything just to make us happy.

this one is for the man who got married at 19 to make sure i'd grow up with a father.

this one is for the man who i call Dad.

I love you man.

I hope I've made you proud.

-Lloyd.

an overdue thank you note

Dear Mr. Nelson,

it's funny how much influence one person can have on you.
the masked man known as "Harold Miner" has impacted my life more than I think he'll ever know.

yes, I'm talking about you Kyle.
(by the way i don't think i ever asked, but is it cool if i call you that?)

but really.
your class gave me the opportunity to show my true colors.
the opportunity to come out of hiding, if you would.
a heartbroken and nervous 'has been' of a guy put his pen to the paper and fell in love with words and writing.

i finally had a way to express all of my pent up feelings.
Lloyd Dobler became my everything.
i clung to every one of my blog's comments like my life depended on them.

the approval of others is all i've ever wanted, and i'd finally gotten it.

but the best was from you, Nelson.
the master mind of this organization.
just simple phrases like "powerful" or "#stolen" meant the world to me.

i miss it man, i really do.
i feel like these posts are useless if you never see them.
is it weird that i'm upset that you never use my stuff as an example for your class?
i mean i did get top fived like three times so i thought i was doing what you wanted...

maybe one day i'll be up there with the greats.
dick tidrow.
esther greenword.
charlotte charles.
maybe...

i just want you to tell me that i made it.
tell me that i can come back and visit paris whenever i'd like.
tell me that i wasn't a tourist.

i sound pitiful don't i?
poor picked upon lloyd.

i think i'm just scared. scared and upset.

scared of moving on with life.
college.
bills.
marriage.
its all so stressful.

and im upset with myself.
high school is almost over and i wish i would've done more.
wish i would've had more fun.
wish i would've dated more girls.
wish i would've choked down my fear instead of letting it suffocate me for the last 3 years.

i'm rambling now.
but really all i want to say is thank you.
thanks for the class.
for taking the time to read what i wrote.
the comments.
the youtube clips.
the outbursts in class about how everyone hated your class and how you were a horrible teacher (honestly...i think you knew we all loved it. you just wanted the reassurance of it though right?)

i think you and me are kind of alike...just wanting to fit in.
acting as if nothing matters on the outside.
but on the inside we're just peaking through our fingers in fear of all the people and their opinions.

but i digress.
just know you helped me get through some tough stuff man.
you made me excited to get up and go to school.
you have SO MUCH influence on us, your students, and i dunno if you know that.
but we all look up to you man.
or at least i did.

so again, thanks for everything.
i'll see you in paris.

Sincerely,

Lloyd Dobler

coming out of retirement

my best friend told me that i worry too much about what other people say.

so did my parents.

and my therapist.

i have this almost dying wish of just wanting to be accepted and to fit in.

my confidence has been dwindling slowly but surely throughout the years.

the once cool and charismatic guy that i used to be no longer exists.

and on top of that society tells me i'm a failure if i don't these 2 things:

1) go on a mission

2) go to BYU

well i hate to break it to you people but i'm probably not going to do either of those things.

(sorry mom)

so many things are running through my head and i tried using a journal to write them all down.

but it's just not the same.

and i started to go a little crazy

so i tried making a new blog and that wasn't the same either. 

in fact i think you took it off the list nelson...i'll thank you later.

so i've come back to paris.

because lloyd fits in.

what lloyd says matters.

people care about lloyd's thoughts and opinions.

Jern said it perfectly,

i'm going through withdrawals.

-Lloyd.

breathe.

For the longest time, I shut my mind off from my feelings.
I built a dam under my tear ducts,
roped off my heart,
and closed the doors to the public.

But then I came to Paris.

And I didn't go because I had dreams of becoming a writer.
No.
I came because Raoul  told me to.
because it was supposed to be safe.
because it was supposed to be easy.

But he couldn't have been more wrong.

Because the first day I set foot in the class I came face to face with the phantom.
And he gave me an opportunity to start over.
To show everyone who I really am.
like a social baptism offering me a way to wash the dirt off my reputation.
A way to erase the names of "TOOL" & "PLAYER"
that are tattooed in bold lettering across my chest.

So i've hid behind a computer screen & a keyboard using the name "Lloyd Dobler" as a mask.
and i've told y'all how I really feel & who I really am.

A guy who trusts too much & forgives to easily.
A guy who believes in love at first sight, happily ever afters, & bigfoot.
And i've finally found myself.
I'm finally happy.

every blog post & every poem is like a personal therapy session.
I'm a self made therapist Nelson.
And I didn't need to go get no degree.
NO.

All I needed was Paris.
Paris, a pen, and a notebook.
and with these tools I've been able to scratch out the memories that have been choking out my mind for as long as I can remember.

Because I feel that now the stress is gone and the stars have aligned.
the locks around my soul have broken.
and the real man inside me can feel the crisp wind on his cheeks
and feel the warmth of love in his heart.
and he can inhale the pictures of his past like a breath of fresh air.
knowing that only God can judge him.
and that he's here for a reason.
i'm here for a reason.

and the words that have been caught in my throat will spill out with the truth.
And i'll be able to breathe.

I'll be able to breathe.

I'll be able to breathe.

and there will still be days where I will fall with the snow and retreat into the receding tide.
But with every new day I'll rise with the morning sun
and let the songs of the birds carry me above the smog and through the clouds.

And I'll make it.
I don't know where I'm going, but I'll make it.

And when I get there I'll send paris a postcard that says "Wish you were here!"

signed,
Lloyd & the Phantom

-Lloyd.